as i sit here on a fruitless night, i realize the extent of my snowballing emotions. i look around my room and it is the facade of an energetic girl with a full and satisfying life, full of exciting times and memorable friends and i realize how poorly my life reflects my soul. a soul that assumes every form other than its intended can find no reconciliation or satisfaction in itself, and finds yet a new lifeless vessel to occupy. a mountain, i stand tall and immobile, unmoved by turmoil… inner and outer influences are faced boldly and with indifference; yet as mountains are majestic and strong, they survive in abandon- remaining motionless as the world looks in amazement and apathy. yet despite the portrayal of strength that the rugged form of a mountain exudes, those that look past the mere strength see the harsh abrasion the face endures. when my strength wanes and i slip into temptation to bare my emotions, i become a chameleon- scared to allow people to see me in my true skin, i hide myself in the landscape and go unnoticed in the world; quietly moving as the world spins in front of me, i find security in my invisibility. but one can stay invisible for only so long before they sever all connections to the outside world- how quickly society loses track of somebody without a story. soon i find myself seeking the center of the spotlight… unlike the mountain which stands firm in its disposition, i begin living in peoples imaginations and hopes. i fuel my energy on the dreams of those i need to impress; my life begins to necessitate a pre-determined level of achievement. what happens when my supply line is cut? when I fail to grasp the star I reach for? this is a dilemma i am currently facing… when all of my facets of personality are revealed and fail to protect me and i find persons that burrow in my soul and comfort me, i find my foundation cracking. i have lived my life standing tall and independent, viewing emotions as weakness. how can a stone fortress claim to be truly protected if it has a trap door? truly, the need to allow release and escape from one's pain is also their weakness. how can a mountain be unyielding if it allows itself to succumb to the elements? what does a chameleon do when it stops living its life in fear of being seen? what do i do when i fear my own internal turmoil? i have lived my life so internally that i find myself extremely distraught at the thought of discovering the outside world. how have i lived my life so alone? how do i live my life as an emotionless entity? how have i lived with perhaps two people knowing my true feelings? how do i truly discover what my true form is? perhaps this fact is the most alarming of all, the fact that i find my own emotions truly indiscernable. am i happy or content? am i unhappy or unsure? do i seek friendship or an escape from myself? do i laugh from joy and humor or as a tool to stifle unwanted tears? perhaps i will give myself the opportunity to discover what my life can be with my own self living it. i am neither a craft for others to steer nor a lifeless canvas that i allow others to paint. i am a strong person, an oak tree that stands strong and bends with the wind; a star that shines in my own constituent and serves others; i am an orator and an audience and i will not let others determine my life. i will not live in the shadow of others, going only where they deem fit. i am strong and weak, good and evil and unafraid to embrace life as it is served to me.
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1 comment:
hello heather,
thanks for the compliments on my blog and photo. i have been keeping this blog to recount what i am up to, mainly, for my own amusement. it didn't really dawn on me that someone i didn't know would stumble their way onto my site, but i couldn't be happier that it has somehow inspired you. i read your first post and i sincerely think you have the right stuff to be a part of the next generation of philosophizing poets. keep up your musings and have fun.
yours truly,
maxell
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